i make things

The Humping Dog

So last night I drove out with Jayde to my Aunt's house to drop off my little cousin's birthday present. We (some members of the fam) all pitched in and bought her this super cool softball bag. She loved it. She took it out and looked at it from every angle, opened up every pocket and crevice, and wore it on her shoulders. She even put some bats in there. :)

So anyways, they have this Chihuahau named Bruiser (like Elle Wood's Bruiser from Legally Blonde) and he's running around, preening for the visitors (me and Jayde) and then he kind of starts to calm down. So he trots over to this toy Black Bear and picks it up in his teeth and jumps up onto the couch next to Jayde and I.

He proceeds to chew on it a bit and lay on it then it flips over and Bruiser starts humping the damn toy bear. Like going to town on it, in true fashion, it's doggy style. LOL Jayde says, "Tim you should keep your door shut, you're giving ideas to this dog." LOL

Then he throws the blanket over the dog and Bruiser continues to hump away. It was seriously hilarious!

Car Talk on NPR

I don't know if most people know this about me but I love Car Talk on NPR. You know, Click and Clack the Tappert brothers? The boys from Massachussetts? Well, anyway they are super hilarious. They have a show on Saturdays that I download on my ipod every week. It is hilarious. They have people call in with their car problems and then they try to answer them. They make fun of people and of themselves and generally speaking are pretty smart guys. So anyways, Dad bought me this desk calendar of Car Talk stuff. This is the one for Monday.

Every week Car Talk documents the roving eating habits of Technical, Spiritual, and Menu Advisor John "Bugsy" Lawlor. Here are some of the places he's dined lately:

• U-Conn-chiffon, wonton, bonbon, udon, saffron, Szechuan, fried prawn, and filet mignon munchathon
• West LA-fish fillet, cheese souffle, chardonnay, Milkway Way, Nescafe, curds and whey, straw and hay, cookie tray, and vitamin A preholiday lunch buffet
• Santa Rita-mini-pita, beef fajita, aged Velveeta, loin of cheetah, peach granita, and Cream of Wheatah diet beatah

Seriously freakin' funny stuff. You should listen to it sometime. Seriously.

Funny comment at work

So I sit next to 3 other people and we can pretty much hear everything that one another says...we are in cubes. So, we were discussing this email that got passed around. You know, the ones where they ask you to list things about yourselves.

Well, we were talking about what our favorite smells were and I said mine was the smell of the cool fall air and Carlotta who sits next to me said, I only like that because I live in the country.

I say, jokingly, "Actually I love the smell of horse manure."

Kim says, seriously, "I love the smell of farms."

Then Carlotta says, "I don't like the smell of farms, it smells like work." That made me laugh so hard. It was seriously hilarious!

my Nephew is hilarious!

So here's the scene. Me, Michelle, Jack and Gracie driving in the car on 26th street in Owatonna. As we drive over the railroad tracks I see a police officer talking to some railroad guys. I peek over and the following conversation ensues:

Jen: Wow, that cop is hot. uh huh...

Michelle: Oh yeah?

Jen: Yep, he's hot. Slow down.

Jack: oh, he's hot. he'll burn yah!

LOL  Michelle and I bust out laughing. LOL God I love kids!

Twas the Night Before Christmas, Harbal-style

A poem I wrote today, on the fly. Thought you might enjoy it. Um...it's a little dirty so WARNING WARNING, swear words and naughty things. I didn't edit it at all so this is like a first draft, so that means it isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination.

Twas the night before Christmas, And all through the Harbal House

Not a creature was stirring, Not even a mouse (that’s because Kimmie killed ‘em all)

The stockings were hung on the wall with care

In hopes that some candy would be put in there

 

Jen was all nestled and snug in her bed,

While visions of hot naked men ran through her head.

and dad in his undies and mama in his lap,

had just settled in for a long winter’s nap (right)

 

When out in the yard there arose such a clatter,

Jen said, “Now what the fuck’s the matter?”

She rolled over to the window in a flash

stared outside to see the dog’s in a clash.

 

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow

Gave her a massive friggin’ headache, woah.

When what to her watering eyes should appear,

But a miniature manure spreader and eight tiny John Deere

 

With a fat old hag, so wobbly and thick

She knew in a moment it must be a blow-up St. Nick

More redneck than larry the cable guy, they came

And he whistled and shouted and call them by name.

 

Now dasher, now dancer, now prancer and vixen!

On comet, on cupid, on, donner and blitzen,

To the top of the house and don’t make me fall!

Now hurry the hell up or I’ll drop you off at the mall!

 

And then in a twinkling I heard on the roof,

The scrapping and scratching of each shit-covered hoof.

As I swore outloud and was turning around

Down the roof the fucker fell into a big snow mound.

 

He was dressed all in fur from his head to his feet,

And his clothes were stinky and his face was as red as a beet.

A bottle of liquor he had in his hand,

The little shit, it was my top shelf brand.

 

His eyes how they glossed over, his dimples how scary,

His cheeks were like sand bags, his nose like a cherry

his droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

and the beard on his chin looked like a patch of yellow snow.

 

The chaw of tobacca he held tight in his teeth,

Made him in desperate need of a can beneath his feet.

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook when he laughed then knocked over the telly.

 

He was chubby and plump, a right nasty old elf,

And I cursed and swore when I saw him, guess I’ll have to shoot him myself.

A wink of his eye and a nod of his head,

Soon gave me to know he wanted me in his bed.

 

He spoke not a word but got straight to work,

Coming towards me, then turned with a jerk.

As I squeezed his tenders with all my might,

He got the idea that he was in for a fight.

 

He cried with pain, and decided to give it up,

Then wished he would have worn his nut cup.

But I heard him exclaim as he waddled out of sight,

Merry Christmas to all and fuck you all tonight!

 

My Dad is Lazy

So...I'm standing in the kitchen grounding up hamburger for Mom's hotdish. (I thought I'd help her out.) and

Dad comes in the kitchen and looks in the pantry and says, "Why don't you use these noodles." [i think he was trying to be helpful too.]

Mom, "I already have noodles, right here."

Dad, "Okay...God I should be outside doing something. I'm being lazy. I've got so much stuff I could be doing outside but I'm in the house."

Jen, "Yeah Dad, God, I'm so ashamed. You're being lazy. SCANDAL!" LOL

Mom, "Oh, go in the living room and watch tv [he was watching how Stuckey's nut rolls are made]."

Jen, "One day out of your life you are lazy. Wow, that's so bad. It's scandalous. It's so bad that I'm going to publicly shame you on my blog. Yep, I'm gonna. So go get back on the couch and I'll take your picture."

So here it is, my Dad being publicly shamed. :) LOL (warning: this is an entirely sarcastic blog post. I hope you caught that. My dad isn't lazy. He's the furthest from it. I just thought this would be funny. Some of you won't get it but heck, I can't please everyone.)

The Roast of Bob Saget

Last night I was able to watch the Roast of Bob Saget and let me tell you, it was hilarious! Well, two of the guys weren't that funny but other than that it was hilarious. I laughed so hard my eyes watered a couple of times and I couldn't stop laughing once. (p.s. I really needed a good laugh too, I was in a foul mood.)

John Stamos MC'd and he was funny, and he always has that sh*t-a$$ grin on his face. They layed into him quite a bit. Made fun of him because "the fat kid from Stand By Me is married to his ex-wife" :) LOL

I'd repeat my favorite jokes from the night but they are way too dirty even for my blog. I will say one joke that was clean and super funny and I'm paraphrasing here.

"I googled Bob Saget and it came back with 'Why?' " That was hilarious!

I made a funny today!

Okay, so lately I just haven't felt like I've been very funny at all, which is sad because one of the greatest excitment/joys of my life is if I can make somebody laugh. Seriously, I mean that. I enjoy making people laugh, if I can. :) Whatever it takes, a dirty joke, a clean joke, some weird facial expression or body movement, a strange noise (I can make a lot), whatever but for some reason, lately, I've been super happy but just not feeling like I'm funny at all. Can't crack a good joke, can't be dry and sarcastic or nothign, but today I was. :)

So I'm sitting at work, not really talking because my mouth is a little sore after eating lunch and having to talk this morning. It still gets a bit sore, it doesn't hurt, just sore and tight so I try to keep a lid on my yapper. Wow, I know. :) Jen, quiet, alert the f'in media.

Anywho, I work with Carlotta, Kim and Kevin and we sit close enough to each other so that we can hear each other (mostly) and talk between each other without getting up. Handy, right?

So Kevin just pipes up and says, "I'm moving to Utah."

Carlotta says, "NO, you're not! Why would you move there?"

So I just bust out with, "Multiple Wives!"

That's all it took for the lid to come off Carlotta, she just bust out laughing. It was hilarious. Then I started laughing because, well, it was funny and because she was laughing so hard it was infectious. Then Kevin and Kim started laughing too.

See, that's what I needed, a really good line and some infectious laughter. Anybody wanna help me out tonight? I could use some more. :)

Snacks at the movies

Kim, Tom, Mom and I went to the movies tonight. We went to see We Own the Night with Robert Duvall, Joachin Phoenix, Mark Walburg and Eva Mendes. It was pretty good. Lots of twists and turns. I don't think I'd buy it but it was okay.

Anyway, so Kim is cleaning out her purse to stick all our contraband in there. (Who wants to pay $3.50 for a box of junior mints? Not me.) So she puts in a couple kit kats, a propel, some beef sticks and a bologna sandwich....yes, that's right, a bologna sandwich. Even though we had just ate she thought she might get hungry. Talking about "packin' a lunch."

So here's a conversation we had about the whole stuffin' food in her purse thing.

J: Kim, you're bringing a bologna sandwich in the theatre?

K: Yep, I like bologna, plus I might get hungry.

J: We just had blts's and that delicious apple dish I made and you didn't even finish it and you're bringing a bologna sandwich in your purse?

K: It won't fit. Tom, put it in your coat pocket.

J: Geez Kim.

K: What? I like bologna.

J: Did you at least put cheese on it?

K: No. (sheepishly)

J: Why not? I love bologna and cheese. Did you at least put butter on it?

K: Yep. (pause) only on half though. (smiles)

J: I guess that's my half then.

K: Ah! It's my sandwich.

J: So, you're full anyway so you might not eat the whole thing anyway.

K: I'll make you one.

J: Nevermind. Hey Kimmie it's like Napolean Dynamite except instead of "Gimme some of your tots." I'll say, "Gimme a bologna sandwich!"

So then after the movie we're on our way home and we were discussing the movie and there was some pot smoking in it and some other drug use too. So Kim was teasing Tom that he was a drug dealer and the following conversation ensues:

T: I've been selling pot from the house and you don't even know it.

K: It better be the good stuff.

T: Yeah.

K: Nah. I can't see you selling pot maybe a pot belly pig.

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

That line was so absolutely rip-roaring, gut wrenching, teary eyed funny that Kim and I could barely get out of the car to walk to the house we were laughing so hard. Thomas didn't really do much or say much just that we looked ridiculous laughing so hard. We'd stop for a second and then start up again. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

Thinking about Grandma this morning...

and how she used to sing this song. After I learned it I would sing too.

"I'll sell my shoe for a bottle of booze. Nobody knows how dry I am. If you're so dry why dontcha buy a rockin' rye for you and me."

She's probably rolling over in her grave because I'm posting this but I'm going to do it anyway because when I remember things like this I want to get them down somewhere because nobody's memory is fulproof.

This simple, kind of naughty little song was just like her. She was funny, liked beer and was humorous. :) Well, that's not all but this song brings me back to sitting with her at the old house. I can hear her singing it in my head. At some point I'm sure I won't be able to so I'm going to cherish it now. :)