A poem I wrote today, on the fly. Thought you might enjoy it. Um...it's a little dirty so WARNING WARNING, swear words and naughty things. I didn't edit it at all so this is like a first draft, so that means it isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination.
Twas the night before Christmas, And all through the Harbal House
Not a creature was stirring, Not even a mouse (that’s because Kimmie killed ‘em all)
The stockings were hung on the wall with care
In hopes that some candy would be put in there
Jen was all nestled and snug in her bed,
While visions of hot naked men ran through her head.
and dad in his undies and mama in his lap,
had just settled in for a long winter’s nap (right)
When out in the yard there arose such a clatter,
Jen said, “Now what the fuck’s the matter?”
She rolled over to the window in a flash
stared outside to see the dog’s in a clash.
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
Gave her a massive friggin’ headache, woah.
When what to her watering eyes should appear,
But a miniature manure spreader and eight tiny John Deere
With a fat old hag, so wobbly and thick
She knew in a moment it must be a blow-up St. Nick
More redneck than larry the cable guy, they came
And he whistled and shouted and call them by name.
Now dasher, now dancer, now prancer and vixen!
On comet, on cupid, on, donner and blitzen,
To the top of the house and don’t make me fall!
Now hurry the hell up or I’ll drop you off at the mall!
And then in a twinkling I heard on the roof,
The scrapping and scratching of each shit-covered hoof.
As I swore outloud and was turning around
Down the roof the fucker fell into a big snow mound.
He was dressed all in fur from his head to his feet,
And his clothes were stinky and his face was as red as a beet.
A bottle of liquor he had in his hand,
The little shit, it was my top shelf brand.
His eyes how they glossed over, his dimples how scary,
His cheeks were like sand bags, his nose like a cherry
his droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
and the beard on his chin looked like a patch of yellow snow.
The chaw of tobacca he held tight in his teeth,
Made him in desperate need of a can beneath his feet.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed then knocked over the telly.
He was chubby and plump, a right nasty old elf,
And I cursed and swore when I saw him, guess I’ll have to shoot him myself.
A wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Soon gave me to know he wanted me in his bed.
He spoke not a word but got straight to work,
Coming towards me, then turned with a jerk.
As I squeezed his tenders with all my might,
He got the idea that he was in for a fight.
He cried with pain, and decided to give it up,
Then wished he would have worn his nut cup.
But I heard him exclaim as he waddled out of sight,
Merry Christmas to all and fuck you all tonight!
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